Written and directed by Rian Johnson

Starring Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Adam Driver, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Oscar Isaac, Andy Serkis, Kelly Marie Tran

I have spent most of my lifetime talking and writing and thinking about film, and always always I have remained honest and truthful as best I could. But now I find that I am about to disappoint anyone that cares what I have to say. I can’t write a review for The Last Jedi.

Oh it won’t be for a lack of trying, I will still attempt to convey my thoughts. But a billion of them are racing through my mind now and I feel a great weight on my shoulders and heart. Like I’m supposed to call The Last Jedi the best movie of the year, or that I am to despise it vigorously. I’ve always had strong opinions on movies, but I have backed them all up with reasons and emotions. I get mad because people defend trash just because it exists rather than because they actually like it, and it’s a big reason no one trusts the critics or cinephiles. Too much lying and trolling. No one wants to think for themselves.

But with The Last Jedi I can’t. I just can’t. Is this a great movie? I don’t know. Is it a terrible one? I don’t know. What I can tell you for sure is this: it’s the worst of Star Wars, and it is also perhaps the best.

This is a weird intro, and it’s only going to get weirder. I’m taking my time getting into this review because I hated HATED HATED HATED the majority of the first two thirds of this movie. And yet I loved the final third. I do not joke when I say this movie contains the worst of the franchise. There are objective 0/10 moments, scenes, and characters in this movie. Anyone that tells you otherwise is lying or trolling, or wishes their opinion to be immediately discredited. Do not trust in those who would be dishonest with you simply because this movie has Star Wars in the title. I have NEVER seen a movie like this, one that goes from such trash to such greatness, all in the blink of an eye. I can pinpoint to you the exact scene, the exact instant this movie stops being an awful waste of time and ascends into riveting insanity, but that would require spoilers and we aren’t quite there yet are we?

But where do I even begin? How can I even start to condemn it? How can I then praise it? How am I supposed to make this understandable without spoiling the whole bloody thing?

I guess we start at the beginning. I’ll review for the first two thirds first, since they are basically a different movie from the last act anyway. The opening title crawl is a super weak one, even by Star Wars standards. The way the movie starts is also a jarring and confusing one. Often times throughout the first two thirds I found myself asking, “Why is this happening?” “What is going on?” “Is this even Star Wars?”. Not a good sign.

Poe disobeys a direct order from Leia in order to take out a “dreadnaught”? which I guess is some destroyer ship. In the process he gets a lot of rebels killed. They take out that dreadnaught though, with a lot of slow moving bombers. All I could think of was the Sector Z mission in Star Fox 64 but in reverse. Anyone else? Anyway, one of the pilots of the bombers is someone we are introduced to only in this scene briefly, like we are to care about her, just to watch her die and think, well that was fucking weird, why was she….oh no…she’s the sister of another character on board. Oh dear god no. This sounds harmless but just wait till you meet her. Just wait till you meet Rose (played by Kelly Marie Tran) who is easily the worst character I have seen all year.

And guess how you meet her? Why, when she stops Finn (who quite quickly has woken up from his coma that Kylo Ren put him in) from jumping ship….again. Yeah, Finn tries to defect again to find Rei. Except Rose stops him. And their ENTIRE conversation mimics, not mirrors, the first encounter that Rei and Finn had in Force Awakens. I cringed for its entirety and thought I had seen the last of her, but nope, she’s one of the main characters. Kill me before it continues. Kelly Marie Tran is awful, and I feel bad for saying it, but it’s the truth. She can’t act, and she especially can’t act in Star Wars. She’s just wrong. Everything she says and how she says it is painful. I wanted to drink myself to death listening to her contrived backstory. Spoilers, it’s something you’ve heard a million times before, and there are space horses, and did I mention she sucks at acting? You will cringe, and you will cringe often whenever she is onscreen. The fault I guess does lie with her inability to act but also to Rian Johnson for his abysmal dialogue. The man’s a great visual storyteller and director, and even a great story developer, but not writer. He can’t write lines to save anyone’s life. The cringing just keeps coming. Have I begun to get across how much Rose SUCKS

Oh my fucking god does she suck. I cannot believe a character that consistently bad was put in a Star Wars movie of all places. And that she was allowed the majority of a useless side story subplot with Finn that goes nowhere and ends up being a massive filler fan service distraction from the real story. I’m shocked completely. Over an hour is dedicated to this character I think. They send her and Finn to a casino. A casino. In Star Wars. And they get arrested trying to find a code breaker to hack into one of the Empire’s ships so their crew can escape. Arrested not for looking for a code breaker to stop the Empire, but arrested for an illegal parking job outside the casino. An illegal parking job. In Star Wars. At a casino. I half expected Joe Pesci to show up and start clamping people’s heads. Am I even talking about Star Wars anymore?

Who the code breaker ends up being I will not spoil, for that is a good surprise in itself. Although he is not too great in the role, but does have some good moments. But really, why am I being to subjected to what is essentially a slowed down 90 minute chase scene in Star Wars? You see Finn and Rose are on a timer (always a good thing in the movies right?) and they have to get from their rebel ship which is trapped low on fuel to the casino to get the code breaker and bring him to the Emperial ship that’s about to blow them out of the sky in order to hack into it and I just want to stop talking about this part of the movie. But oh god it’s most of the movie. And how I wish I was making that up. And seeing a stampede with space horses in a casino isn’t as fun as you’d think it would be. But I did laugh at the little alien trying to gamble by shoving coins into BB8.

But what the fuck. I mean what is this shit. What is going on. Why is it going on for so long. That’s another thing, right from the start the tone of this movie is all off and wrong. Poe has a phone call scene with General Hux (who was one of the worst things about The Force Awakens) that is awkward and Marvel esque with its forced humor to undercut tension and drama. And this is how the movie opens. And the awkward misplaced humor only gets severely worse as the movie goes on. Consider, for instance, where we left off with Rei and Luke at the end of Force Awakens. You remember how cool and powerful that scene was with NO DIALOGUE WHATSOEVER. And how two great actors were allowed to ACT their feelings and emotions and story arcs into a perfect finale for that film? WELL YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. Should I tell you? Is it a spoiler if it happens in the first 15 minutes? Ah fuck it. It cuts from the dreadnaught bullshit right to Rei handing Luke his old lightsaber. Luke pauses, John Willliams’ score mutes, and then Luke comedically tosses the lightsaber over his shoulder. Over his shoulder, like it’s trash. And the audience laughed. I wanted to laugh, but the implication of this distortion of tone broke me. Star Wars has been turned into a joke. And I’ve only been talking about the beginning of the fucking movie. Over and over and over in this film the Marvel treatment has been polished. Insert tense emotional moment here, wait for the height of audience investment, cut to decent joke to undermine it all. It’s over. Disney owns everything now. This will never stop happening. This is why context is important people. On their own the jokes in this movie are funny, but between scenes where I should be provoked or crying or invested they turn obnoxious. The jokes get old real fast. How I want to go into detail about the most egregious ones, but that is really going to ruin it for those who haven’t seen it yet so I’ll hold off.

Oh yes, there’s a scene that involves Leia that is one of the worst things I have ever seen. You think one thing will happen, but instead something else does, and it’s far worse seeing it than it would be reading about it. Think Peter Pan with the CGI as bad as the blue screen from the original Superman from the 70s and THAT is an insult to Superman. Christ, I wish I could tell you. It’s one of those things you witness in a theater that makes you want to dive out of your seat and bash your head on the railing until you can’t think about anything anymore. Really, I’m being far too kind about it.

OH RIGHT THE WOMAN WITH THE PURPLE HAIR. HOLY SHIT. She’s almost as bad as Rose. Yet another trash character that ruins everything around her. Her intro speech is total cringe, more kill me now moments. And everything she says to Poe. And her relationship with Leia WTF IS THIS. But oh man, her final moments are among the coolest things ever put to screen, but alas, that’s more spoilers. But fuck her.

Let’s talk about that garbage dialogue. Lame cliched and tired lines are repeated back and forth repeatedly amongst different sets of character. Pattern goes something like this: character A says something predictable and obvious, character B repeats it. Happens 3 or 4 times in the movie with different sets of characters. Unreal. Rei is hung out to dry for the majority of the runtime. She’s treated as a naive little girl with stupid lines that she deliveries dryly and forces us to ask, Is this the same girl from the last movie? Eventually she does grow on you, but that’s that last third I’m dying to get to and we aren’t there just yet.

Luke obviously denies training her. He wants nothing to do with the Jedi, the Force, or Rei. You think Rei or some great story beat will happen or evolve to convince him otherwise, but NOPE. Guess what sways Luke into training Rei? No seriously just guess. Just imagine the absolute EASIEST laziest thing the filmmakers could place in here and that is what the fuck ends up happening. I could not believe my eyes. He is instantly convinced by the ONE thing that had no business being used in this movie AGAIN.

But this is the entire first two thirds of this film. Easy storytelling. Everything that happens is too easy and simple and we all see coming light years away. For nearly two hours I was bored and disheartened. I was destroyed and sad and angry. I was broken and beaten, the last hope of the modern American blockbusters extinguished. I waited two years for a goofy, cartoonish, joke of a filler version of The Empire Strikes Back.

But then it happened. The most amazing, incredible turnaround. The instant it all changed. I snapped internally, like Vegeta turning super saiyan for the first time after not caring if he lived or died. And suddenly, right before my eyes, an awful experience became a memorable one.

To fully describe this I would have to go ahead and spoil the whole movie. But everyone knows the scene. Audiences everywhere will gasp, and then applaud. It is a miracle of great filmmaking. It’s here that almost all of the dumb humor and filler subsides, and we are allowed finally time with the story we should have been gifted from the getgo. Here it is where the characters we have grown to care about are given choices, and whose decisions are honored with real and believable consequences, and where it all goes from near 0 to 10 and doesn’t let up till the very end.

How does this happen? Well there’s a character I’ve held off talking about, who is the best part of the entire movie by far. I liked him in The Force Awakens (moreso on subsequent viewings than the first), but Kylo Ren and his arc is where The Last Jedi truly shines. Adam Driver has matured greatly as an actor, and he may be among the best of all working today. His performance is nothing short of spectacular. Even with the lackluster dialogue of Johnson’s, Driver is able to emote so much more. It is a dark and brooding, complex and morally torn performance, and Kylo does not have one single bad scene. Not one. And he only improves as the runtime continues. Look at the powerful moment he smashes his Vader mask into the wall early on. Or how he devilishly tilts his lightsaber into the camera. I’m blown away by all his developments, and the direction of choices, and where this story is taking him. It excites the fuck out of me. And how cool does that scar on him look? It’s too great for this movie.

And Daisy Ridley, who does improve through all this, has a wonderful and fascinating relationship with Kylo. It is an earned one, not tossed in last second. The two of them should have been the main focus of the movie, if they hadn’t decided to waste 90 minutes of our lives on that other shit. They communicate back and forth from opposite sides of the galaxy through the force, and these are some of the best scenes in the movie. They are cut in during those awful first two acts and probably what kept me from just walking out of the theater. Just kidding, I would never do that, BUT MAN DID I FUCKING WANT TO.

And then there is Snoke. He was a negligible talking head hologram in the Force Awakens. People speculated the fuck about him, but I didn’t give a shit. He never bothered or riveted me. But I thought what they did with him in The Last Jedi is really good. Seeing him in his actual form is interesting. He’s about the size of a normal human (I think?). And I liked his facial design and costume. Also he does have some unique lines. Most of them we’ve heard before but a couple did really strike me.

I want to go into more detail but I can’t. There’s a few epic lightsaber duels and I’ll say it was an interesting contrast the way they were filmed this time around. The Kylo Ren lightsaber fight at the end of Force Awakens, which brought tears to my eyes, was shot in closer up angles, with what must have been a telephoto lense. That was Abrams choice back then. Now Johnson relies more on circling wides and dollies and zooms during his actions scenes. You’ll remember he also directed the very best episode of Breaking Bad “Ozymandias” (boosted of course by the perfect script by Moira Walley-Beckett), and similar camera movements can be found in all his work. As Walter and Skylar fight the camera tracks alongside them when they tumble on the floor with the kitchen knife. The same shot is in Looper too. The Last Jedi is filled with these shots, and even more zooms and dollies. Some work and some are obnoxious. But man is it great when Finn battles Phasma with that electric stunner thing. But man is it also pointless. What a movie to show the divide between a director’s great control of visuals and also terrible control of writing. This film is just a constant struggle between Johnson the visionary and the Johnson the forced dialogue writer. He should not have written this film. Just the story, not the dialogue. Some one should have come in and deleted Rose and purple haired woman from the script. Someone should have smacked him at the mention of a casino.

And though I hated Luke for the majority of this picture, I did love him by the end. More spoilers for that. But let’s just say the movie’s end is just so good for him. And what haunting imagery there is that we are left with. And how none of us see it coming at all.

I loved as well the handling of Rei’s past. There are great visual tricks with her in a hall of mirrors esque scene. And the point of it all isn’t realized until a conversation with Kylo near the end. And what a great reveal for a tired motivation.

It is insane, I think, that this movie covers all the beats of all the previous Star Wars films. Yes, all seven of them can be found in this movie. For the first two thirds we only get more of the same, and what an ironic statement that is coming from me since I loved The Force Awakens. People were mad at that movie being a remake of ep 4, what will they say about The Last Jedi reiterating ALL SEVEN EPS BEFORE IT. Or how about that they hated everything with Star Killer Base? The casino Rose side story goes on WAY WAY WAY longer and is WAY WAY WAY worse. This is also a big reason the first two thirds are nearly unbearable. I was ready to call it one of the worst movies of the year. But then the end happened and now I’m all conflicted. Now I have to see it again to reconcile my thoughts. Because as of right now I can’t give a definite love or hate, like or dislike. But this all does explain why the marketing for this movie was so awful, and why that second trailer is the worst of the year. They couldn’t afford to spoil anything, because when this movie gets good it gets REALLY Good. And the twists don’t stop coming. And the Porgs are adorable and watching them with Chewbacca is one of the best things you’ll see this year.

I can’t believe this is a Star Wars movie. It is the most polarizing movie of the year, and the discussions it will spark will be endless. Because it’s so awful and then it’s so amazing. Because it’s so inconsistent and still so surprising. And man, what an amazing place for the finale to take place. On a red salt covered planet with dust. What an incredible color scheme to keep our senses stimulated and excited. And the crystal fox puppies that populate it. It’s a genius level set piece. How I wish the first 90 minutes of this movie weren’t like they were. AND OH SHIT how about that Rashomon style telling of the falling out of Ben Solo and Luke Skywalker? Cool in design, but I wasn’t compelled like I should have been. More easy answers given to us from a question we all didn’t really have. More great visuals but uneven writing. And John Williams score is much weaker and repetitive than any of us could think possible. It pounds on us endlessly and does not offer any new recognizable music, none that I could discern. Yeah it’s still John Williams, and it’s still Star Wars so it’s good music, but it’s just the same. Oh well.

It’s also a testament that this movie ends with some hope, and with a kid (is that little actor the Rainmaker from Looper? hah). And instead of being cringeworthy it’s awesome.

I’ve gone and written way too much again. I’m tired and my brain is fried from this emotional roller coaster this movie took me on. And I’ve had to be vague and quick to not spoil anything. And it doesn’t help that I started writing this after 2 in the morning. I hope I’ve conveyed how all over the place this movie is, and how it’s still affecting me. A shitty useless insult evolves into a Greek tragedy, and somehow has left me shook. I just can’t finalize my thoughts. Not till I see it again.

But I dunno if this movie should even have a 93% on RT. But it’s Star Wars so that was a foregone conclusion. Rogue One received glowing reviews even though it wasn’t good. People liked that movie because Star Wars was in the title. Just like they liked Man of Steel cause it was Superman. Or Alien Covenant cause it was Aliens. This is a dishonest and deceitful industry and I hate it. There is no voice for this generation anymore to ward us away from the trash and lead us to the overlooked gems and must see movies. Film criticism died with Roger Ebert back in 2013. I have searched for his successor for four and a half years, and perhaps I have been searching far longer than that. Because I can’t do it. Not in this world, not when people have made their minds up before they even see the movies. Not in 2017 when debate boils down to everything except the movies themselves. Not when every critic has been paid off or places their reputation above their honest opinion or just plain sucks. Not when it’s considered sanctimonious to criticize La La Land. I continue to post my thoughts only because it’s all I’ve ever been able to do. That and everything is just so wrong with this industry that I can’t keep quiet about it. I feel like Boromir at the end of Fellowship, “The world of film will fall”. Disney buying Fox scares me. And with the Infinity War trailer being a letdown I fear things will only get worst than they have been. There are bright lights in the tunnel, but I suspect we can’t stop it from collapsing.

BUT! I appreciate that The Last Jedi is polarizing, and more importantly worth talking about. Even if I had to sit through the worst two thirds of the year to get where I needed to.