Directed by Steven Spielberg

Screenplay by Zak Penn and Ernest Cline

Based on the book by Ernest Cline

Starring Tye Sheridan, Olivia Cooke, Ben Mendelsohn, Simon Pegg, Mark Rylance

Ready Player One is some kind of impossible movie going experience to describe. I’m hard pressed to think of a more recent time where I went through the motions of bitterness and hatred to heartfelt glee and amazement. Oh wait, The Last Jedi was only 3 months ago. But we’re in 2018 now so never mind. Minor spoilers ahead if you care, you’ve been warned.

Imagine if you will you’re watching a movie in theaters, and as it begins the guy to your right starts shouting in your ear, “DID YOU SEE THAT? THAT’S FROM AKIRA! DID YOU NOTICE THAT CAT?! IT’S HELLO FUCKING KITTY!!”. And (continue following me now) as this is happening the guy on the other side of you pulls out his laptop, its bright LCD screen blinding an entire side of your peripheral vision in the dark, and begins reading out all the wikipedia entries on those same references. “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are four fictional teenaged anthropomorphic turtles named after Italian artists of the Renaissance. And blah blah blah”. And there’s you sitting in the middle of these two fuckboys screaming I KNOW WHO THE FUCKING NINJA TURTLES ARE SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE

The person in the middle is the audience. The two fuckboys are Ready Player One. And the movie onscreen doesn’t exist.

Oh my god I know that didn’t make any sense, because neither does this movie’s existence. Early on in the film there is a scene where an Asian businessman is killed inside the virtual world of the Oasis, and loses all the gold he’s farmed up to that point. He pulls off his virtual reality glasses in the real world to reveal he is in an office building surrounded by co-workers. He screams at his loss and bounds to the nearest window to leap to his doom. But no, another co-worker dives in at the last second and saves him. That got a laugh from all of us, and I thought, ha, they must have stopped the suicide cause this is a movie for kids.

Then The Shining scene happened. Then room 237. Then Chucky. Multiple times in the theater I choked, wait what was this movie rated? I was not prepared for these jarring tonal shifts. The inconsistencies in the movie’s subject matter are insane.

Who is this movie for? Surely I am the target demographic. Myself and the generation right before mine. I noticed and understand most of the references. And yet how I cringed at so many. What am I supposed to think when I see one of the main characters riding the extremely iconic red bike from Akira, only to have another character point out, “She’s riding the bike from Akira!” Is this for the kids?

What kind of dumbass shit is this? Anyone who knows Akira will immediately recognize that bike, and many who have never seen the film will know it as well. Pointing out where it’s from does less than nothing for us as an audience. If people don’t know what Akira is, they’ll go home and google, “what was the bike Artemis was riding in the race scene?”. Why pound us over the heads with information we already know, should know, or have yet to know? I dunno man, that just sucked out so much of the fun. And it isn’t just for a wink here and there. Nearly all of the film’s pop culture nods and homages are pointed out and deeply explained. It felt so intrusive. This is the kind of movie that makes you hate being a fan of things. In a pivotal scene halfway through the film, our protagonist spouts, “A real fanboy can spot a hater”. What. Is this connoting a form of elitism when we know things that others don’t? Or a form of ignorance that others don’t know things that we do? Jesus Christ I’ll come back to this scene because I can’t stomach to talk about it right now.

But let’s start with the beginning shall we, since all great reviews always do right. I fucking HATED it. There was something so very wrong in the movement of the camera and characters in the film’s opening shot. Spielberg must have seen Kingsman and liked how Eggsy navigated the buildings where he lived by doing some mini parkour. Here instead our lead character lazily jaunts and steps through his beaten down home town in Columbus Ohio, aptly called “The Stacks”, in an underwhelming and poorly establishing intro. Not to mention soon after the camera pulled into The Oasis and showed the virtual world’s capabilities but speeds by it all way, way too quick. My eyes felt invaded. Quickly I grew nauseous and couldn’t quite see right. And these psychedelic nightmares were shown over Tye Sheridan’s miserable narration as Wade Watts. Let’s talk about that name for a second. Why is it that I think Deadpool’s name, Wade Wilson, is cool, and yet I think our hero for Ready Player One’s Wade Watts is pathetic. I dunno, maybe it’s because he explains that his dad wanted him to have a superhero name like Peter Parker or Bruce Banner. So he settled on Wade Watts. Great story kid, no wonder your dad’s dead.

Early on the character called Aech is shown blasting through famous movie characters like Freddie Krueger, and it’s all just so fucking awful. I feel for those suckered into see this shit in 3D. There is just so much exposition, too many rules and laws and jargon of the future that you just cannot keep up. It’s actually im-fucking-possible. And the camera swirls by it all in motion sickness inducing action. And the visuals just don’t look right, they stand out amongst the perceptions of our minds, and our eyes think….this is wrong. And all of what I’m describing happens in the film’s opening sequences, and they cut by so quickly and shove as much expository dialogue over it that not only are you struggling to keep up, you’re just not even trying to because you don’t care.

Why should I even discuss the plot of this movie? I gave up on it so early on. But I suppose I’ll try, goddammit all.

The creator of the Oasis dies, and leaves a video message behind telling all if they can find his Easter Egg in his virtual world, that they will gain all of his fortunes. Immediately we know this is a Willy Wonka story. And now we know how it’s going to turn out. If you don’t know anything about video games, easter eggs are those little hidden messages and secrets that the game developers insert for only the most observant or dedicated players to find.

But wait a minute, the entirety of Ready Player One as a movie is Easter Eggs. And all of them are pointed out, and beaten over our heads. I thought about Syndrome, the bad guy in The Incredibles, and his evil plot to give out all his evil creations to the world when he’s old so that everyone’s super. Remember how he says, “When everyone’s super…no one will be”. Now I wonder, if everything is an easter egg, then nothing is?

I am getting so far ahead of myself again. Tye Sheridan, as I pointed out, is mostly miserable as Wade. He is awkward and soft spoken and totally cringeworthy, and you know he’s a nerd because he wears glasses. All the trailers and marketing for this film were abysmal, not the least of which because I thought Tye Sheridan did not make a convincing lead for anything. Sheridan, you might recall, was the young boy in the 2013 film Mud, and as a child actor in that he gave an incredible performance. Then he was a young Scott Summers (Cyclops) in X Men Apocalypse and he was the worst actor I have ever seen. And now he’s in Ready Player One. Well, one for three ain’t bad kid.

But a little about The Oasis’ creator. A man by the name of Halliday makes the virtual reality since he feels so alone in the real world. Simon Pegg plays his friend Ogden Morrow, who helps him in this feat. Halliday is portrayed by Mark Rylance, who was great as one of the stars of Bridge of Spies. Here, he is perfectly cast as the introverted Halliday, and is one of this film’s highlights.

Anyway, there are three keys set up in The Oasis that are needed to get to Halliday’s Egg. Wade and his best friend Aech try to obtain them. Well, everyone is trying to obtain them like all those Pirates searching for One Piece but you get what I mean. To get the first key, they must win a race no one has won. It’s here that they meet the female Artemis, who rides the crimson bike from, yes, you guessed it, Akira. But let’s talk a little about how these CGI characters look and feel. They function as our leads avatars, since they all exist inside a fake world. Wade’s avatar eerily resembles Tidus from Final Fantasy X. Trust me folks, that is not a good thing. Aech looks a hulking orc, and has a voice I had trouble adjusting to. During the race scene Aech mocks Wade’s avatar, “Yeah you go on with that Something About Mary hairdo!”

No one laughed.

There are dozens of these awkward jokes and references made for an audience that the film is not sure who is. This is all supposed to be callbacks to famous games and movies from the 80s and 90s, yet there are unusual pandering attempts made at modern day pop culture. Just listen to how Wade knows of a famous person in the race, “That’s THE Artemis, I watch all her twitch streams.” I wanted to blow my brains out.

Maybe this is your cup of tea. And yeah I enjoy my share of references….to a point. But man I dunno, just seeing our lead drive a Delorean just because, and collecting coins of fallen players around him just isn’t as great as you think it could be. And then the T Rex from Jurassic Park shows up on the roads of the race and I don’t care. And King Kong is the big monster that no one can get past and who gives a fuck.

I think at some points there is some magic here. Because these characters must solve complex and supposedly esoteric riddles and clues to advance towards Halliday’s hidden egg. But herein lies the problem with a story like this. Make it too easy for them to figure things out and we will think they are cheating, make it too hard for them and we won’t care. The characters in Ready Player One are no doubt obsessed with the pop culture of Halliday’s world. They live and breathe it. But too often I recognized that they knew the answers to things just because they did, and not because they logically got there. The stupid scene from National Treasure pinged in my mind, where Nick Cage glances at a building of thousands of bricks, and somehow discerns that the magic glasses he needs is in one that the sun is randomly pointing too. What a piece of shit movie. Sometimes Wade and Artemis knows things like Nick Cage and sometimes they genuinely figure it out on their own. I’ll let you decide which scenes are which.

But listen to how they figure out The Shining is a major piece to find the next key. I’ll tell ya I had my hands in the air in disbelief. But it was made up for when Aech opens the elevator doors. And when he’s forced to relive the scene in room 237. And how amazingly inappropriate this all is for kids. And how we laughed our asses off when the ball rolled towards him in the hall and lead him to the twins. It’s all enriched knowing about Spielberg and Kubrick’s past relationship. It’s kind of neat that he was able to pay homage to his old mentor.

Back to Wade and Artemis. Wait till you get to their date night when they go for the second key. Wait till you see them floating around in a zero gravity rave while she basically blows him on the dance floor. I’ve never felt so disturbed all year. Remember how I thought this movie was for kids?

But shit, let’s talk about how Wade’s parents are dead. And how Halliday is dead. And watch how Wade’s aunt is killed in the movie. I want you to notice how Spielberg pays more attention to the destruction of the building than the people inside. Is this some commentary on how video games and VR will take over to the point where life in the real world begins to lose meaning and death is just glossed over? Seriously, after Wade’s aunt is killed he just goes off into a van to half cry and send a message, and then is instantly chloroformed and it fades to black. And that’s about all the time we have to grieve for his relative. But we only see her maybe two times before, in some of the worst moments in the entire film. Maybe we’re not supposed to care, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think this part of the movie just extra sucks.

But get ready for the antagonist of the story. Who else to be the villain in a movie about video games than a greedy corporate business head who is only interested in money and power. Here that tropey villain is played goofily by Ben Mendelsohn, whose bad guy Nolan Sorrento is as dopey as I’ve seen recently. He runs the evil company IOI, comprised of employees called the sixers. Early on in a meeting with his board he talks about maximizing his shareholder’s profits and ignores the threat of Wade’s avatar advancing on the keys. Yeah, there’s a scene about shareholders in this movie. Oh man. I cannot believe I am going into this much detail.

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the secondary bad guy, I-Rok (voiced by TJ Miller), who is enlisted by Sorrento to stop Wade. He added some much needed dry humor in the movie’s bogged down plot. This is also around the time I really began zoning out on the story details and laughed at whatever TJ Miller was saying. He has some of the movie’s funniest lines.

I guess it makes sense that Sorrento is the ultimate bad guy here. Yes, I understood the point on how most video game companies are run by corporate business heads who don’t have a clue about the games they make and sell and just want to monetize everything. Now is as good a time as any for me to return to that pivotal scene I brought up earlier.

Sorrento learns of Wade’s true identity in the real world and suggests they meet up. They do and Sorrento of course offers him millions in riches for him to turn over the key so that he can find Halliday’s Egg himself and win. At least I think that’s what was going on. It’s 6 in the fucking morning I don’t care anymore.

Now here’s what I do remember, because I was in pain watching it. The negotiation scene takes a strange turn as Sorrento tries to impress Wade with his knowledge of pop culture and references that Halliday loved. He seems to know his stuff, even with Wade throwing him some curveballs to test him. “Once I find the Egg I’ll change all the schools to look like the one from The Breakfast Club”

Shoot me

Then the camera shockingly cuts to a random guy in another room and we realize Sorrento is being fed nerd culture tid bits through his head set. But Wade knows better and delivers that oh so cool line, “A real fanboy can spot a hater”

I’ll shoot myself

This is just so perplexing to me. Isn’t the point of all this to indulge in nostalgia? So the movie demonizes this corporate head for not knowing his pop culture but pretending to know it, YET EVERY REFERENCE IN THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN MOVIE HAS TO BE EXPLAINED IN WIKIPEDIA WORDING DIALOGUE TO AN AUDIENCE THAT ALREADY KNOWS WHAT IT IS WATCHING

WHERE’S THE LINE HERE

WHAT CONSTITUTES “A REAL FANBOY”?!

SO IF YOU’RE A FAN YOU KNOW ALL THESE REFERENCES, SO IS THE MOVIE TALKING DOWN TO YOU BY LOUDLY EXPLAINING THEM

IS IT SAYING WE ARE HATERS FOR NOT WANTING IT EXPLAINED

IS IT SAYING WE SHOULD PRETEND NOT TO BE BOTHERED BY IT SINCE A TRUE FAN WOULDN’T NOTICE SUCH THINGS AND INSTEAD BE SOAKING IN THE NOSTALGIA

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME I’M CONFUSED AND NEED SEVERAL ADULTS

Where do we draw the line with this? In the digital age of social media and the Marvel Cinematic movie machine, nerd and pop culture has become ubiquitous. And when everyone’s a nerd, no one is. So what is this movie trying to say? Am I a hater for questioning its purpose? Should I not be bothered by its existence?

Fuck it

Back to the story. I’m going to speed this along because I can’t take it anymore. We meet all the real life people behind the avatars eventually in the movie. Artemis ends up being Samantha, who has a birthmark on her face similar to one of the villain’s scars in Captain Planet. Try not to laugh when Wade holds her chin in his hand and asks why her appearance would bother him. We do also meet Aech, who’s real life person reveal I will not spoil since it is one of the best surprises of the movie. And we meet two of their friends who have accompanied them from the beginning, Daito and Sho. The conversations of their real life interactions are more bright spots in the film. Together they become the clan called High Five, and mount a resistance against the sixers. Wade’s call to arms scene as he pleads for the people in the Oasis to come to their aid is worse than the one in Rogue One (rebellions are built on hope!! AHHHHH). Vegeta was more convincing to the people of earth for Goku’s spirit bomb.

But it works, because of course it does. And so comes the most batshit insane imagery of recent years. The war with all the culture and homages flooding every frame. I’ll tell ya, had you told me of half the shit I saw tonight I wouldn’t have believed it would be in this movie. No fucking way. And suddenly it makes sense when Daito meditates for half the battle. And when I saw him summon the form of a Gundam to battle Mecha Godzilla to avenge the fallen Iron Giant I thought to myself, Yeah, I’m probably not going to see a crazier movie than this all year. But that Gundam showing up had us laughing to tears, surrounded by a sea of clueless movie goers who I doubt even knew what anime is. Their silence at the insanity onscreen is probably the highlight of my year so far honestly. That alone was worth the price of admission.

And when the battle is over, and the movie gets to where it’s going, something happened. I don’t understand it, but the ending got to me. Don’t ask me why or how. I hated so much of this movie, but the end sort of made it for me. Somewhere buried deep in this bloated commercial mess there was some heart. Damn you Spielberg and your maudlin storytelling. It was carried, I think, by Mark Rylance’s scene at the very end. It’s moving, I think, and attaches some feeling in this otherwise pointless experience. Maybe after a while my eyes adjusted to the weird CGI and I just went with it. And Simon Pegg as well has some great moments. “The Oasis was never meant to be a one player game.” Also I was surprised at how effective the reveal of the very first easter egg in video game history was. And maybe this is just a story about friendship and nothing more. But what a bizarre way of telling it. Restraint would have done wonders here. Oh well.

Sadly Ready Player One is a series of unfortunate cringing, punctuated here and there with moments of delight and wonder. I believe most movie goers will be frustrated with the bad outweighing the good in this. And I couldn’t even begin to tell you how or what Samantha was doing to save the world at the end, even though the movie shows her every step of the way. And always I was bombarded with the winks and the nods, and the slaps to my face with culture. The beginning is pitiful, and there’s a full hour or so in the middle that made me want to stop watching. But the ending I really enjoyed, somehow. There is good in Ready Player One, even some greatness in it, but many will not make it past the trash to find it, and I won’t blame them. At times this is the weakest of Steven Spielberg, and after seeing this I’ll never read the book. 

I asked before who this movie is made for. If your answer is “Everyone”, I’ll point you back to Syndrome’s logic. “A movie made for everyone is for no one.”