Directed by Bryan Singer

Screenplay by Anthony McCarten

Starring Rami Malek, Lucy Boynton, Gwilym Lee, Ben Hardy, Aiden Gillen, Mike Meyers

Leaving Bohemian Rhapsody and I somehow know less about Freddie Mercury and Queen than when I walked in. How is this even possible? Watching this movie is like listening to someone reading the wikipedia page on Queen. It’s like hearing a second hand account of legendary people from someone who doesn’t care for them. I sat perplexed and dumbfounded watching creative decision after creative decision not work. Every milestone in their careers treated as afterthoughts, every idea gifted to them in an instant because the screenplay said so. Always the words of my tenth grade english teacher play in my ears when I write, “Say what you have to say without saying it”. This is a lesson the makers of Bohemian Rhapsody never bothered to learn. Are we not allowed to grow with our characters  from their humble beginnings anymore? Is there no more build up for major events for us to understand how and why they got there, and to appreciate the event even more? A biopic that dives into the fame without the struggle, and worse still, has the characters speak about their glories more than we get to experience them is no biopic you want to see. Why see this movie? Why not just watch highlights of Mercury and Queen’s career on youtube? You’d get more out of seeing them there than this film ever will give you.

It is no wonder Sasha Baron Cohen left this production years ago. Originally cast as Freddie Mercury, he disagreed with the direction the filmmakers wanted to go. The surviving members of Queen wanted half the movie to be about Freddie, then for him to die, and the rest be the aftermath and how the band coped with it. Cohen’s telling of their version marks a mean spirited connotation. He wanted no part in it. The part did eventually get to Rami Malek (more on him later) with Bryan Singer slated to direct. It was a “passion project” for Singer. And in December of last year he was fired from it. His erratic on set behavior and rumored clashing with Rami was just too much. Not to mention that Singer has decades long sexual assault claims against him. Most of the movie had been shot by the time of his departure, and he was replaced by Dexter Fletcher in the end (whoever the fuck that is).

Now what do I know about Freddie Mercury? Next to nothing. But I know that he was gay, seemingly unapologetically so, and died of AIDS later in his life. Tell me then, what does it mean when Bryan Singer (who is also gay) treats his sexuality as an afterthought? In the movie, a young Freddie starts dating a girl he meets while at a band performance at a bar. Barely before the first act is even close to over he proposes to her. “I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be” he says before he does so. Who the fuck are you? I know nothing about this man. And somehow he’s straighter than Sting. No hint of his gayness. Later a man named Paul who works for him once he’s in Queen approaches him sexually. He kisses him, Mercury turns him aside in rejection, “You have no idea who I am” he says, something like that, in a bizarre effort to convince him (but also us as the audience) that he is not gay. Later he eyes a male trucker in longing before that trucker goes into a gas station bathroom. Cut away. Nothing. In a montage later still he exchanges glances with a man he passes in a wildly lit hallway.

What the hell is going on here? Are these hints at his gayness? I’m serious people, this is all you get for over half the film. It’s as if the movie is embarrassed for him, rather than him being embarrassed for himself. And was Mercury even afraid of who he was? I don’t fucking know because this movie certainly didn’t fucking tell me. Where is the struggle of being a famous gay man in the goddamn 70s? Surely this is an impossible thing to omit from such a life as Mercury’s. And yet that’s exactly what this movie does. It is only later that he “becomes gay” (more on that later too). Dozens, maybe hundreds of clever moments and scenes that could have been are just not there. And what is there instead? A watered down highlight reel of all of Queen’s best songs. And do we get insight into how they were written or inspired. Nope.

Let’s talk more about how this movie works, because it doesn’t really. That band performance in the bar I mentioned is done by Brian (Gwilym Lee) and Roger (Ben Hardy) and a third guy who’s their lead singer. The dude dips, saying he’s done performing at such poor venues. Freddie comes in, suggests he becomes their lead. He sings for a few seconds with them before walking away. What did I learn in this scene? One’s studying to be an astrophysicist (or was it astrologist), the other is a dentist. Freddie has four extra incisors. His bigger mouth gives him bigger range he explains. Now all three are friends. Why? Because the movie said so.

There is no rhyme or reason for any of this. They form Queen out of nowhere. They play at gigs until they have to sell their van to make their first album. Soon a famous record company hears them and wants to sign them. Out of nowhere, Freddie changes his legal name to Freddie Mercury. Where does he do this? Offscreen. When do we find out about it? At a dinner with his family and bandmates. Why Mercury? I still don’t know. Did I mention Freddie Mercury’s real name was Farrokh Bulsara, and he was of Indian descent? Did you know that was his real name? I didn’t. Freddie’s embarrassed of his heritage, as the movie wants you to believe, but also, creepily, I think the movie is embarrassed of it. I don’t fucking understand.

Freddie’s relationship with his family, especially his father, seems strained. We learn about this early on in a scene so quick, not given any time to develop or marinate. And the editing of this whole damn picture is offensive to the nth degree. Violent, radical cuts all over the damn place for a majority of the runtime. My only guess is that the doomed production left an abundance of coverage shots, and with a directionless screenplay the editors panicked. This movie’s average shot length might rival Armageddon. “Cut fast and hard” the studio heads probably told them in the wee hours of the morning while they were drinking themselves to death over how to make this movie not suck. That’ll trick everyone into thinking they’re watching a good movie. So many edits, so many stupid cuts, let the fucking camera show the actors act dammit all. They’re good, most of them. But the breakneck pace of the movie doesn’t allow you to enjoy it.

One of the worst scenes comes after one of Queen’s big performances. Freddie watches the coverage afterwards on TV with his wife Mary (the girl from the bar, remember, he’s still straight!). He describes the event like a newscaster would, and not someone starstruck with his fans. Notes on the screenplay must have read “have Freddie read of historical facts from his life”. Trash. The worst part comes next. Freddie reveals to Mary that he thought his fans never understood his lyrics or what he was singing, then the camera shows the TV, and we see THROUGH THE SCREEN that the fans are singing back to Freddie, in perfect unison. Freddie stands mouth ajar on stage….on the tv. You are fucking kidding me. What a wasted moment. Who the fuck would have such an important and profound revelation told on a tv set in lieu of onstage during the real thing. I chocked. Please just me die. Just so I don’t have to see more of this scene.

But then comes the convo. Then comes Freddie saying to Mary, “I think I’m bisexual”. Mary retreats to the window in tears, “You’re gay Freddie” she corrects him. Blow my fucking brains out. She always knew. Good thing to, because the movie sure as hell didn’t. From this point on Freddie strikes up a bizarre relationship with Paul, that guy he rejected earlier. His bandmates later refer to him as his pet. Later on he almost hooks up with a random guy he hits on named Jim Hutton. Instead they have a strangely intimate back and forth on a couch. “Call me when you like yourself” Jim tells him. I don’t know what’s going on.

Do you get it now though? Freddie’s gay now! Because the script said he had to be at this point, instead of smartly weaving into his life because it no doubt fueled his music and lifestyle. But noooo, let’s shun all that to have glamorous concert scenes that tell us nothing about the people inside them. You see that? Brian, Roger, Freddie became Queen just like that! John Deacon joined as bassist just like that! Freddie is gay just like that! And OH! They fight and are no longer friends. But wait, they’re still family, but wait not anymore. Freddie keeps Mary in his life. He wants to go back to being straight….I think?! But doesn’t. He’s gay again! The band breaks up, but doesn’t. Roger and Brian start heavily disliking Freddie out of nowhere. A time skip. Freddie’s hair changes. They don’t speak to each other anymore. Another time skip. Reunion. I fucking hate this shit.

And poor Rami Malek. His performance is not as good as you’ve heard. I still like him, and think he’s a talented guy (have not yet seen Mr. Robot but I’d seen him in other things). At some moments, yes, he is great, and delivers some fantastic lines here and there. But it is a dim light of hope in a thankless role. The movie drags him under with it. Mostly he is given lines that describe Freddie rather than things he would say. The writers probably thought this would make him sound epic but instead comes across as phony and forced. Rami, I’m afraid did not become Freddie Mercury. He looks the role to a tee, and I believed him when he performs. But you know, this movie is 2 hours and 15 min long, and most of the time I just sighed in disappointment with the things they gave him to say. It is not Rami’s fault, I repeat, NOT his fault that it turned out this way. He is one of the film’s only saving graces. The script and the editors destroyed any chance of this being a performance we talk about and remember. I feel terrible for him but it’s the truth. Rami deserved a better movie.

And you know, just about all the actors here are good. There really wasn’t any cringeworthy people that ruined anything (aside from that convo with Mary). It’s just all these scenes are afterthoughts. And so much of just telling us about things we don’t get to see. And the contrived writing of the songs. Take a look at the scene where Freddie, Brian, and Roger argue. In the background John Deacon plays the first few notes of Another One Bites the Dust. He just came up with it, that’s it. They turn and listen, the song materializes from there. Or look at when Brian comes up with We Will Rock You. He just does. “I want a song the audience can perform” or whatever. And they start stamping their feet. “What’s the lyric” Freddie asks, cuts to them performing it. Might have worked if we had seen the other songs inspiration or at least creatively how the band worked to incorporate and splice many genres. Instead Freddie TELLS all this to an executive in person. This is all poor explanations in writing for the characters to speak outloud instead of cinematically showing us. Don’t tell me you’re incorporating Opera, SHOW ME.

This is why I like the scene where they start recording Bohemian Rhapsody. There’s also a very funny and great edit involving a chicken that our audience really responded to. Holy shit, some original creativity here! I liked seeing Freddie scream at Roger to go higher for Galileo! But that’s really all we get.

And my god, Bohemian Rhapsody was just about the worst title they could have named this picture. Like why? It’s a song name, not a movie title. Why not just call it Queen? Or Mercury? Or literally anything fucking else. It’s a horrible decision, indicative of this entire production.

Something I used to do a lot was bite my nails. It’s a habit I’ve kicked over the years, but once in a very blue moon I’ll succumb to it. It usually happens when I’m bored, or nervous or both. I chewed them all off by the end of Bohemian Rhapsody, and the last time I did that was during The Green Inferno, and I was drunk.

This movie should never have been made. To waste the talent of these actors, and especially Rami Malek, who could have turned out a legendary performance. A movie about Queen and Mercury could have and should have changed everything in our times. Instead we are left with what could have been. On the surface this movie appears innocuous. Because it is crafted in a way to trick everyday people into thinking they’ve seen a good movie. It’s not the worst movie of the year but it is a staggering disappointment. There are times when Rami has it, and times when the movie has a semblance of heart, but they are heavily overshadowed by all else. I did like how the opening of the movie shows Freddie alone, approaching the stage for their Live Aid performance. And then at the end we see the same sequence but it reveals that Brian and Roger and John Deacon are with him. I thought that was cool. And the performance at the end is good, but really, we’re grasping at straws at this point.

All I’m left with is emptiness and questions, the wrong kind of questions. Why did Freddie keep Mary in his life that way? Why does the movie show him bringing Jim Hutton to meet his family, long after he learns he has AIDS? I just don’t get it. I don’t get any of this. And that scene with the lamps is just sad. Fuck that. And why was there no noticeable scene showing Queen interact with other famous people of the day? They’re listed as epic attendees of the Live Aid event at the end (sadly in another scene where historical events are read off), but never used as more. Couldn’t they have squeezed in Freddie’s funny encounter with Sid Vicious? Just a thought. And not once did I see Rami pose like Mercury in his unforgettable stance at Wimbley. Bullshit.

One day, I promise you one day in our lifetime there will be a movie about these people and this time made right. And when that movie comes this one will be cited as the ashes it had to rise out of. And I promise you all our minds will be blown. I don’t know when but it will come one day, I have to believe that.

Another thing. The movie ends after the Live Aid performance. And then, after each band member walks in slow motion offscreen, the shot holds on the blurred massive audience, then abruptly cuts to the credits, and makes the gigantic mistake of playing Queen’s real life performance of Don’t Stop Me Now. It’s a mistake because here we see the real Freddie Mercury, and he is nothing like what last 135 minutes has exposed us to. I want to learn about HIM, that guy in the end credits. Who the FUCK was Rami Malek all this time? Not Freddie Mercury.