Directed by David Leitch

Starring Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Idris Elba, Vanessa Kirby

Hobbs and Shaw is an unbelievably stupid 2 hours and 16 minute watch. Even by Fast and Furious standards this movie is too dumb for its own good. I thought they had something in the beginning: a decent premise, a good setup of the leads, and non cringeworthy pop music surrounding all the scenes. Maybe it was around the 40 minute mark that it stopped caring altogether about the virus threatening the whole population, or the idea of a super mechanized human in Idris Elba (if it ever cared to begin with), but slowly the bloated action sequences took over everything, and deep down it hit me, I mean it REALLY hit me: they’re never going to stop making these. At one point The Rock and gang latch on 4 mini trucks to a helicopter to weigh down Idris from escaping with Statham’s sister. They’re dragged down a mountain side for fucking ever, and it’s cut so poorly I did not enjoy a single second. I thought if I ever I was a guy to walk out on movies, this would have been the moment.

So what’s the plot for the first spinoff of the Fast and Furious movies? And the ninth movie overall? Who gives a fuck. I can’t believe there’s another virus threatening humanity. I guess it’s cool that Statham’s sister jams the capsules of it into her palms to keep Idris from getting his hands on them. And then he makes it look like she betrayed her team and took the virus for herself. And blah blah blah. Wait, that’s really it?

Doesn’t matter. That opening I thought gave the movie a hint of hope. And then seeing The Rock and Statham shot side by side showing their daily routines was so refreshing. And we know of course they will be forced to team up. Ryan Reynolds plays a part in this. In fact, all these opening scenes are the better parts. The best parts are all the fun The Rock and Statham have riffing on each other, although it does get old by the end. The earlier jokes between them work as well as you would hope, but then die off later for those forgettable fight scenes.

Looking at the director I’m not surprised at all. It’s the guy who made Deadpool 2, which I FUCKING HATED. I enjoyed the FIRST Deadpool, which was done by Tim Miller, who has directed the newest Terminator movie coming out later this year. David Leitch did this one, and he has no grasp on how to stage and edit better fight scenes. For the Fast franchise I guess he’s just another in the crowd, but it doesn’t cut it when it comes to big budget spectacle. That helicopter scene was putting my ass to sleep. And that was long after the breakout at the lab, which I swear to you I had no comprehensive idea what was going on, or where anyone was. And next thing I know Statham and his sis are in a jeep spiraling out of a window. Am I a bad movie goer?

Speaking of Terminator, that’s clearly who Idris’ part machine like body now is. His eyes scan people around him so he can anticipate danger, and then they shot the film in slo mo so you can tell! And guess how Hobbs and Shaw beat him? Why, by attacking him at the same time! Get it, they have to work together!! One of them takes a slo mo punch so they other can rail on him. Oh my god I am making it sound so much cooler than it is.

The motorcycle chase through the streets. I zoned the fuck out. Nope, couldn’t follow it. Until Idris screamed in frustration which was hilarious. And yeah, it is touching and neat that an important part of the movie centers on Hobbs returning home to his estranged family in Samoa. But then I cringed at the family bits here. And the fight scene before the helicopter one, it’s just them beating dudes up with sticks, AND IT’S FUCKING BORING.

I have seen most of the Fast and Furious movies, and most are not good. I never saw 3 or 4. 5 and 6 are the best of the serious. 7 I was hopelessly and angrily bored, and if not for the tribute to Paul Walker in its final minutes, not a person alive would remember it. In a recent discussion with a friend we listed out all the movies and talked about them. For a while. And then another friend reminded us we missed one, the 8th, that came out a couple of years ago. Two movie junkies completely forgot the existence of the most recent movie in a blockbuster franchise, we had to be reminded.

And now we have….Hobbs and Shaw. Don’t even waste your time. You can watch the highlights of the first 30 minutes on youtube later. Just skip to the banter between The Rock and Statham. And there is a great cameo I can’t believe I didn’t see coming later on int the movie. But you may as well skip everything else. Cause Vanessa Kirby is able to sneak her way out of any situation. And that was fine the first time. After the 4th? Come on. I guess it’s okay that both Hobbs and Shaw return to their roots and rectify their pasts in this. But I don’t care anymore. The over the top silliness they’re known for is missing its heart, ironically. Since that’s their whole message about humanity being better than machine people.