Directed by J.J. Abrams

Starring Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Carrie Fishcer

The Rise of Skywalker is the most forced, phony, pitiful, pathetic, unwanted, disgusting and incompetent, shameless and soulless, lifeless, UNMOVING excuse for a send off that I have ever seen. What a funny thing time is. 4 years ago Abrams had the luck and envy of everyone for helming The Force Awakens. To bring back Star Wars with such life for modern times! Now, he has been given the role no one wanted. If The Last Jedi is the most hated Star Wars movie, The Rise of Skywalker will be the least liked. What I’m about to say I do not say lightly, this is the worst Star Wars movie ever made. This is the ALSO the worst movie of the year. And here I thought Hobbs and Shaw or the Lion King remake, or Brightburn would have taken that honor. Never would I have believed a Star Wars movie could be so bad.

For a while I had conflicting thoughts about the jumbled story and jumping back and forth in the lamest cross cutting you’ll see in years. But somewhere around the half way mark, I think? It was a certainty: I hate this movie. I hate it so much. I HATE this MOTHERFUCKING funeral for the franchise I loved like everyone else. I hate that it moves along whether you care or not. I hate that it “kills” characters and glides by to the next point. I hate that it’s a cynical attempt to undo the hatred that The Last Jedi conjured, and that it’s overflowing with fan service to all the other films. And that it relies so heavily and awfully on us to fill in its lame story telling gaps. With over an hour to go I sank in my chair, my eyes squinted as hard as I could as to still see the screen but to blur out the cringe, and I begged hopelessly that it would just end. Please end, I shouted in my head to no one. Please god let me die so this movie won’t kill me first. My anxiety got so bad that I almost vomited in the theater for how much pain I was in. As soon as the credits began rolling I launched from my seat and ran as fast as I could out of the screening. Down the escalators, through the parking lot. I had to get in my car. I had to drive away from this. Maybe if I ran fast enough, drove fast enough, I could outrun this nightmare I had walked through tonight. Like Wally West outrunning death, maybe. But it lingers with me, the rage, the hate is flowing through me as I pound all this out on my keyboard. I am sure I am done with Star Wars for now, and I hope I can spare someone, ANYONE from what I experienced tonight.

If you care about Star Wars, if you care about cinema, then read on, the things I’m about to spoil may save you from 2 hours 30 min of your life you will never get back.

Where do I even begin. I want to cry at how bad this movie was. I’ve never had tears of disappointing sadness like this before what the HELL IS THIS MOVIE

It opens on the only compelling character left in the series, Kylo Ren slashing dudes in a red tinted forest. Cool. Oh don’t worry, he’ll be ruined by the end of this too. He finds a greenish triangular object that we later learn is a Wayfinder, which will take him to the fabled Sith planet Exegol (what a dumb fucking name). The movie teleports him there, because he is looking for Palpatine. When or where this is revealed to us I couldn’t tell you, except if you’ve seen any trailers you know Palpatine is in this movie. And so they write things to happen with him. Kylo wants to kill him. But Palpatine tells him he made Snoke, and he wants him to serve him. But he’s gotta kill Rey. Does it feel like you already know what’s going to happen?

The reveal of Palpatine is something I’ve never seen before. My audience had a split second of fanboy reaction glee, which was immediately dulled by his portrayal. He…doesn’t look good, let’s just say. He resembles what might have been the rejected dummies made for Ian Holm’s android ripped off head Ash in Alien. Oh my fucking god

Cuts to Rey, floating in mediation, with rocks all around her. She looks like that Jedi that Vader has to find to kill for his crystal or whatever in the comics. Did I get that right? Who gives a shit

Finn, Poe and Chewy are finishing a mission, a rendezvouz with someone who gives them a message from a spy in the First Order. If you didn’t like what they did with light speed in the Last Jedi maybe you’ll like it here, or not? Poe jumps in and out of light speed in rapid succession to outrun the Tie fighters that are chasing them. I guess it’s a glimpse of something interesting in this wreck.

But the movie’s got no time for this. Poe and Rey have to argue “cutely”, as the movie tries so hard to ship them. Why mate these two when the series is ending? Out of nowhere? Especially when this lovers quarrel ends up amounting to nothing? Get to the end

The spies’ message leads them to Passanna, where a celebration that happens once every 42 years occurs amongst its people. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. They get to a ship with an old dagger that has inscriptions in Sith on it. But only C-3PO can translate it. Now, here is another brief moment of joy that 3PO can read the Sith language, which tells them exactly where the other Wayfinder is (right, I forgot to tell you there are only 2) that will also lead them to Palpatine. But! his programming forbids him to translate the language of the Sith HAHA. One of the best lines is Poe’s reaction “so you’re telling me the one time we want you to talk you can’t?”. Such a little thing must be cherished before the suicide inducing decisions take over. But oh jeez, the serpant scene. Think the wounded lion’s paw story. Now Rey can heal people. Whatever, I guess she’s Goku now. Rememeber when he shot some of his energy into a dying Frieza so he could get up LOL IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND

But oh yes, you remember Kylo and Rey can talk to/touch each other through giant leaps in space cause of the force. That was one of the coolest things established in the Last Jedi. Now? Oh man, I don’t even know what to say. It’s over used to say the least. Almost every interaction they have is through this time/space force split. And what lame interactions they are. Kylo finds her location cause of this. And when he lands, or crashes there one of the movie’s worst moments happen. Chewy is kidnapped by the first order, taken aboard a ship that Rey FORCE PULLS back to the planet from escaping. Now Kylo appears, force pushing it right back. This is even dumber than it sounds. This is no Fassbender lifting the submarine in First Class. Rey’s dormant powers take over and she accidentally shoots force beams and destroys the ship. She’s killed Chewy! But you wouldn’t care with how the movie deals with it. And maybe 90 seconds of screentime pass before it’s shown that Chewy was on another ship and completely fine. What riveting stakes. Now I hate myself just a little bit more.

Now they must go to another planet that Poe knows, who cares if Chewy’s alive or not. Poe used to be a spice runner on Kijimi with an old crew. I’m really typing all this at 3 in the morning. He has an old flame? Named Zorrii. They both know a little creature who can extract C-3PO’s translation of the Sith inscription at the cost of his memory banks. So the 3PO you know and love will die for this.

I will say this movie had its decent share of funny moments, most of which came from 3PO. But how little I cared that he would “die”, since the movie didn’t seem to. Cause we have to cut away to the next jumbled scene. We have to keep showing Kylo and Rey and so force split battle. We have to show an annoying little creature hack inside 3-PO’s mind. I hated that little guy

But now I’ll get to the nitty gritty. Now I’ll get to the big reveal in the plot. If you’ve read this far I’m sure you don’t care anymore as I have been lead to. Somehow they all make it onto the First Order’s ship of Kylo, to rescue the always alive Chewbacca. And somehow Kylo and Rey have a mini stand off. Not fighting. A stand off. And Kylo tells her. You’re Palpatine’s granddaughter. Dead silence in the theater. Not of surprise. Of sheer disbelief at such an unreal turn. Now we know why she recognized the ship the dagger was on. Her foster parents tried to save her from being captured by Palpatine as a kid. You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

Now REY knows she has evil in her. A vision!!! She tells Finn she had earlier. Of her and Kylo on the dark lord’s throne together. People following the hate of the Last Jedi over the years know one of of the fan theories was to make Rey evil, which now they have tried too little too late to put in motion. I see you Abrams. you’re wrong.

I don’t want to talk about this movie anymore. There are but fleeting moments of value, like the reveal of who the spy is. But it is short lived in how they are dealt with. But I have to keep going. I must, for your sake. I must because no one should have to sit through this. I did it so you don’t have to now.

They wind up on Endor, where the last Wayfinder is. They encounter a friendly group of former stormtroopers to help them. What a fucking miracle. The one named Janna and Poe have a heart to heart about shared pasts. It’s trash. But Rey’s on a mission. She gets to the Weyfinder, but AHA Kylo is there as well!! And guess the fuck what?! That cool imgae of a dark hooded Rey wielding duel sabers IS A VISION HAHAAHA IT WAS A PLOY TO SUCKER US IN THESE SEATS LOOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Fuck the whole creative team behind this. Shame on you for mounting your movie’s minimal efforts as false hope for a better tomorrow for the rest of us. Rey and Kylo do battle here for the final time with each other. Kylo destroys the weyfinder, so now they have no chance of getting to Palp without Kylo. This lightsaber duel may be the most uninteresting, weak, hopeless and boringly choreographed and staged. It’s the one in all the trailers of them fighting with splashing waves of water all around. It sucks.

And here is folks. The nail in the coffin. The final act of the movie that cause me a panic attack. One of the most objectively phoniest moments in all of movie history. We knew Carrie Fischer had passed, we knew they hadn’t finished filming her scenes. So, in the movie, Leia goes off to forcefully die to stop Kylo from fighting Rey…through the force. This is hinted up to only by a last min comment by Maz Kanata. Fuck her too. People were laughing. It’s the worst thing I’ve seen all year. A  stand in for Carrie, shrouded in shaodw, says “ben” and lays down to intentionally die. And pass through the force. Kylo senses it, and Rey capitalizes his moment of weakness to drive the saber through his chest.

Oh, it gets worse my friends. It gets far worse. Remember that serpent scene? Rey can heal anyone!!! NOW THAT’S STORYTELLING!!!!

She revives a dying kylo. And runs from everyone. A force ghost Luke appears to console and motivate her. He gives her Leia’s old saber, and his xwing to go kill palp. Oh I’m sorry, am I moving too quickly here? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK THIS MOVIE IS DOING

Sigh. Harrison Ford comes back, force ghost han. Convinces Kylo to…throw…his lightsaber…away….? I’m not even going to comment

The final showdown on Exegol (again, what a stupid fucking name) is miserable. All the major players converge here, and the fight begins. I swear to you I wanted to walk out. I still have never walked out of a movie in my entire life, and I want you to understand how close I was to leaving. Palp wants Rey to strike him down so she can become a sith lord and so he too as well through her. He’s got a loyal base of chanters all around. Fuck this movie so hard

Explain to me how Kylo can lose to his own knights of ren? By the way did we talk about how stupid and weak they look? Come on, they were only in flashbacks in force awakens and they looked awesome. And even when we thought maybe they were the Praetorian guards of Snoke, they were cool as shit too. Now? The actual knights of Ren? They look like badly dressed halloween ninjas with wooden axes. How does Kylo lose to this? One cool Die Hard moment here with Rey passing him her saber through the force.That’s it

Rey overpowers palp. Cause of course she does. I bet he didnt see TWO lightsabers coming! And how the “voices” of the fallen jedi echo through her last min to give her strength made me sick. And get this, killing palp kills Rey too. But Kylo embraces her. It almost was a true moment of sadness. But then she is breathing life again. Because he touched her? I dunno, Kylo dies now, I guess he passed his life onto her. The whole audience roared. They had time for that fan fav kiss tho. Hahahaha I want to die so badly

I’m done. I’m out. It started so wonderfully. The Force Awakens had heart, and I loved it. The Last Jedi did things, it was the best and worst of star wars (at the time), but at least it was ambitious in its overall perceived failure. Now the rise of skywalker is just a failure. Rogue One is of course a piece of shit, but I would sooner sit through all of that movie again and again than see even one scene from the “climax” of this one.

Dont see this movie. Dont. But Seb, its Star Wa-DONT. But you’re harsh on -DONT. But I dont care about story-DONTDONT DO IT. DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T

Your life is worth more than this movie. Go and live it. Don’t be a hopeless fool like me. I want every movie to be great, and I always trick myself into believing they will be. And I get hurt in the process. Movies like this damage me beyond repair. I’m not a robot like the RT critics, I cant just move on from things. They dont feel anything. Speaking of which, a new measure for the blacklist. Anyone who wrote a positive review for this movie must be fired. Immediately. I mean what the fuck is wrong with you. How many of Disney’s goons blew you to get kind words about this mess out? You’re all trash.

Who the fault lies in I don’t know anymore. People will endlessly blame Rian Johnson, and that Abrams didnt want to make this OBVIOUSLY, no one wanted to make this. Ep 9 should have been put on life support indefinitely until they figured a way to competently write themselves out of this, and not shoehorned a fanservice shitshow to end the series asap.

And did I mention how William’s score is terrible. Jon fucking Williams ruined, zero musical cues in all of this. His delightful variations of old themes in ep 7 and 8 was all he had left. Now ep 9’s score repeats, it drones, it bores. And Rose is barely in this at all, no doubt from the hate Kelly Marie Tran got from before. And Abrams focused more on using…telephoto medium shots? I dont get it. Force Awakens was shot like a real movie. Last Jedi was apparent that it was made by an indie filmmaker. You felt like you were on a small film set throughout all of it. Rise of Skywalker settles in medium camera placement, and to my eyes seems to be shot from a distance the whole time. And the lighting is awful and may as well be non existent. I thought about old Hollywood movies, and how they were never allowed to not fully light the actor’s faces, and the camera never was too never stray away from the stars of the show. This was a pandering to the audience. Doesn’t sound so hot today does it? All I can say is if you have a bad movie, get Adam Driver. The guy can save almost anything. Almost.

There is no defense of this movie. What little you can savor is undone by the second half. And any person that tries will be silenced by Leia’s despicable death. And a horse charge on a star destroyer. Really, I can’t make this up. And don’t tell me it couldn’t be saved, I heard plentiful fan theories that were FAR more interesting than this. If there is to be an ep 10, I say we just let the fans make it, maybe that’s the been the answer all along.