Directed by Tom Hooper

Starring Francesca Hayward, Idris Elba, Rebel Wilson, James Cordan, Jason Derulo, Jennifer Hudson, Judi Dench, Ian Mckellen, Taylor Swift

I am not the person to review this movie. I am not the one to talk about it. I had no prior experience with Cats before walking in the theater tonight, my extent of knowledge of it is just in the scene in Team America when Chris recounts how he was raped by Mister Mistoffelees. It’s a phenomenon I only heard about and never bothered to understand. Now I’ve seen Tom Hooper’s movie, and I don’t care to. The biggest surprise here is that I don’t hate it more. The movie is bad, but it is not offensive and tragic like Les Mis, which is one of the worst movies ever to grace the silver screen. Cats commits a different kind of failure in that it is BORING. Unbelievably boring. The Rise of Skywalker is still the worst movie of the year, Cats is just a joyless ride that’ll be purchased in lieu of sleeping pills. Before I begin keep in mind I am a total outsider to this world.

From what I saw tonight Cats is about a group of cats who gather once a year to choose a special one among them to ascend to the heavens. They call themselves “Jellicle” cats, and the annual meetup the Jellicle Ball. Some of them will compete for their chance to be chosen to go to the Heavenside Layer to start a new life. I still don’t know what any of this means.

Now you’ve got to have an outsider in these stories. The movie opens with a white cat being abandoned by her owners. Tied up in a sac bag and tossed from a car. Inside is Victoria, who will be guided into this new world she finds herself in. Yes, she is the audience’s eyes. The Jellicle cats take her in, and boy, do they sing a lot about it. According to a quick google search the term Jellicle cats comes from poems T.S. Elliot wrote in the 30s, which Andrew Lloyd Weber adapted for his musical. We’re getting really cultured now aren’t we? I still do not know what the fuck Jellicle means. The story pushes a lot about “different kinds of cats” so maybe it’s just that. Sure.

The main players bound in and out at random as the movie moves along. To my saving grave they do not sing every single line like in Les Mis. But you’re given just a little bit of time to breathe before the next cat lazily shows up onscreen. The best of which is James Cordan, as fatcat Bustopher Jones, who is sensitive about his weight, yet sings about eating trash while he eats from the trash. I laughed way harder than anyone around me. *heavy British accent* HERE WE GO

Rebel Wilson employs her usual slapstick as a lazy cat Jennyanydots, who the others sing about how she just sits there all day. Didn’t cringe as much as I thought, but it’s pretty dumb. She keeps the mice in check, by having them sing? I don’t remember

Jason Derulo is in this movie as Rum Tum Tugger, and his dance scene is really where the movie strongly bores. I started to zone out and lose track of where I was and what I was doing. The movie isn’t shot so well, but here the extended dance number is dimly light and the random edits cut on the basic action and movement. You can tell they shot a lot of bad coverage. And it leads to Ian Mckellen’s Gus (short for Aspara-Gus), a theater cat performing to be chosen. I almost passed out. It was that fucking boring. The little kids who were in my theater, and were actually mostly quiet, began to cry loudly during this scene.

And in the background of all this is Idris Elba’s Macavity, the villain, popping in and out like the Wicked Witch. He wants to be the chosen one, so he kidnaps all the cats that will contend with that title. He has the power to vanish in and out of spacial planes, and take people with him….to a boat on a dock? I told you I am not the one. He says ineffable a lot, I have so little energy in me to look up why, cause I don’t remember.

And now you’re probably wondering how or why they get chosen. Or who does the choosing. It’s Old Deuteronomy, played by Judi Dench. They have a song just for her.

Jennifer Hudson skulks around from time to time as Grizabella, rejected by all the others because of her past choice to align with Macavity. It’s clear she regrets that decision and wants to be accepted again. Victoria is the only one who takes the time to speak/sing with her.

Look there isn’t much to talk about, the story is so simple that i boils down to the music. And you know what? The music is actually mostly good, usually very catchy, cause it’s all Andrew Lloyd Weber’s work. My ears were not assaulted tonight. My eyes and brain however, began to slowly melt throughout. The CGI motion capture is distracting, I guess I don’t hate it as much as everyone else but it is not good. When are they gonna learn people are ALWAYS going to prefer watching the actors act in real costumes and sets to worthless fake coverups? What would have been wrong with filming these people in cat costumes? You’d have saved so much money and time. And you may have saved your movie. But again, Tom Hooper is a hack who should have been fired from all lines of work after Les Mis. I think of all the broke and starving artists who will never get the chance to direct, and yet he has been allowed to ruin both Les Mis and now this. He should just fire himself honestly.

The scale also doesn’t make sense. Sometimes the cats appear small in frame to the bedrooms or doors or tables around them, but then astoundingly a whole troupe of them tap dance on a single railway track. Nothing is consistent.

Grizabella’s final number, which I would have to assume is showstopping in the play, had two people walk out in the middle of. Most of my audience stayed. It should not have been like this. I was supposed to be alone in the theater. And yet it was packed. The smallest screen at arclight, at one of the limited showtimes, and I was surrounded by old and young people. The old woman next to me fell in and out of consciousness, I could see her head bob up and down frequently. The little kids were annoying at times but mostly stayed quiet, most of the theater was quiet. They laughed here and there at a few jokes, but there was no fun to be had in the room.

And that’s the thing about Cats. This movie is just not fun. It takes catchy and enjoyable music and slaps lame and uninteresting visuals to it. In fact it really almost makes no interesting choices. None of the actors are to blame, even though this is a theater kid’s wet dream they end up as stand in props for the misused CGI. With Munkustrap always looking so dreadfully serious into the camera. And poor Francesca Hayward, who the credits write “introducing Francesca Hayward” for her big screen debut. She’s a principal ballerina in the Royal Ballet in London, now she is Victoria the white cat. She can sing but the movie has relegated her to looking with wonder and turning her head this way and that to look in whichever direction Hooper was telling her. She grew up watching the stage play of Cats, and always imagined herself as Victoria. Not in the way Hooper has done I bet.

Cats is not the worst movie to come out, it’s pretty bad and dull but I have seen so much worse even in just this year. The camera is so bland and the lighting so weak that it passes through your head so you’ll forget it in a week’s time. Again, I was not the person to review this film. I’m left with so many questions, like where does Jennifer Hudson float off to? What is this whole idea of getting another life? Like cats have 9 lives so maybe they just wanna go to the next if they’re miserable? Is that an actual hot air balloon she is on at the end? Or are they just imagining it. Is this ceremony a ritual suicide? Like is it rebirth in the sense of you go willingly to die from falling from the sky and hope reincarnation is real and that you come back as a cat, another cat? How come Macavity and Mister Mistoffelees are the only ones who can make magic? Why do they all stay on that street in London? What the fuck is a Jellicle cat?

I think Cats is about diversity, and redemption and acceptance and reincarnation, I guess. I think, but no way am I sure. But that’s okay because Judi Dench breaks the fourth wall at the end to tell the audience how to treat and name their cats. And also that “a cat is not a dog”. I, what?